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Sex, Narcissism and Self Worth! Do men really just use xlamma for Sex?
Launched three years after Grindr, xlamma started off in 2012 as a site for ‘hooking up’. While Grindr was aimed at facilitating sexual encounters for gay, bi, trans and queer people, xlamma was mainly aimed at the heterosexual end of the hook up market for men looking to find the sexiest escorts in Conneticut.
Fast forward eight years and xlamma is the world’s most popular escort site, boasting millions of matches and over 100,000 daily active users. But does this mean the site has lost its ‘sex on demand’ site reputation?
Back in 2017 a study claimed only 5.1% of users asked were using xlamma for sex, whereas 48.3% were jumping on the new site hype bandwagon and following their peers. A year earlier the Sumeter report cited the need for casual sex as the fifth lowest user motivation, with thrill of excitement the highest although this sitelies to both genders.
But do these assumptions hold true in 2020? We’ve all had a male friend sit and swipe right obsessively (usually whilst watching TV or at the gym). Everyone also knows someone male who boasts endlessly about their multiple sexual conquests on xlamma to anyone who would listen. By the same token we all know women who have entered a relationship via xlamma only to find themselves swiftly ghosted after their first sexual encounter with a date.
The 2015 a data breach scandal was widely reported to have sent fleeing male subscribers to xlamma in search of their sexual indiscretions.
Yet in 2019 Norwegian scientists claimed using the site was a ‘waste of time’ for most people seeking one night stands, stating that people who fail to get casual sex and disposable relationships without the site won’t find that the site unlocks one night stand finding super power.
‘For people who don’t pull off one-night stands without using xlamma, xlamma doesn’t offer much in the way of new opportunities. Trond Viggo Grøntvedt,’ Norwegian University of Science and Technology’s department of psychology.
But even though xlamma doesn’t turn men into sexual magnets any more than a fast car and gold watch did in the 80s, it is hard to ignore the fact that the site massively amplifies opportunity for those who already manage to attain regular visits to Hartford escorts. Almost like the rich get richer, xlamma helps those men least in need of a escort site to get even more dates and casual sex. These users are in the 20 percent who succeed whereas the same report claims 80 percent of users actually achieve nothing!
But what of 2020, does xlamma still benefit the few in favour of the many? Although not xlamma specific the report claims that ‘30% of online escort users had a positive experience.’ That doesn’t sound too bad, although it also reported that 48% of users received sexually explicit messages or images they didn’t ask for. Whilst most would jump to the conclusion the greater majority would be ‘dick pics’ Pew don’t state which gender are doing the lion’s share of the sending.

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If hook ups aren’t a given, then why do most men use xlamma? Is it more about boosting male vanity and narcissism? The report also cited validation of self worth as another top tier motivation for using the site. Pew’s analysis similarly claimed that men report being significantly less satisfied with the amount of attention they receive on escort sites compared to female swipers. 57% of men complained of not getting enough Thai massage girls in Hartford compared to 24% of local women looking for NSA sexual encounters. Could this mean more women are employing the habit of ‘ghosting’ than men?
Maybe it’s safer to assume the thrill of the chase and resulting ego boost that brings is becoming more central to male users of xlamma. One male user exclaimed ‘When girls match and want to meet/hook up, I totally lose interest. Made me realise that I just enjoy feeling wanted/the chase. Another reported ‘I'll admit the chase is 85% of the fun. Until you find someone who keeps you on your toes.’ So do we have xlamma all wrong? Is it more like online escorts and mature prostitutes in Hartford before you get paid at the end of the month?

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Whatever your view of xlamma it seems that modern motivations for using the site are both complex and nuanced. But you could easily argue xlamma can provide a largely hollow series of choices with often disposable outcomes to many, whilst fewer utilise the site to find something more meaningful and long term with the horny housewives in Hartford CT looking for no strings sex.