New Haven

 

I was supposed to be having the time of my life, enjoying my sexual prime, but instead I was awfully bored, as I spent yet another breakfast scrolling through xlamma. The possibility of sex with a sexy Asian massage girl in New Haven CT emerged over my scrambled eggs on toast, but the boredom was eating my boredom. xlamma seems to be the worst possible way to date another human being. The only problem is, I thought, as I drank my juice, we have no other option: this is a love story about masturbation and emojis which begins and ends in the bedroom.

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xlamma is a place to project unrealistic fantasies onto lonely looking people, who, just like you, are desperate to be liked. We are all too selfish, withdrawn, easily bored to love. Every time I use the app, I feel an immense wave of dislike wash over me.

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But using xlamma has given me that powerful and god-like feeling, the opportunity to crush those ugly, depressing, nobody losers who try, each day, to clog up my brain space. The selfishness of the whole thing is remarkable. Which one of these tooth-paste commercial faces was going to fall instantly in love with me today? I had a sneaking suspicion that the boys who pretended to care about my hobbies and interests were only trying to talk to the convenient opening between my legs. Although, give them their due, they were truly trying to connect with me at a deeper level. Swiping through xlamma is somewhat like running your hands through those moist parts, your nether-regions, pleasurable, dark, warm, lovely, but, equally, containing seeds – to use a disgusting metaphor – of shame, secrecy, even self-destruction. No matter how hard we try to normalise it, much like masturbation, the fact we use xlamma is something we can never fully feel proud of. Over the past few years, I’ve collected men’s names like calories, names which build up on my body, making me bloated, sweaty, smelly, slow, bored, complacent, exhausted of love, thinking I am desperately in need of a escorts diet, a meal plan, a fast.

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There is something demoralizing at the thought of people having more love and sex and happiness than yourself. I often look at other couples, who are obviously at the orgasmic peak of romantic fulfilment, and think – rather self-pityingly - how they laugh at me, curse me, think me a fool. Their happiness fills my sleep like a nightmare.

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xlamma is part of the symptom of a culture brainwashed by the idea of romantic love. Because we cannot attain the highest, we must instead settle instead for the lowest, jumping into bed with some shadow of a person who presents themselves as muscles and shining white teeth. I am looking for someone to make me feel safe, but the rules, the confusion and the cynicism of escorts is now too big for my mind.

Surely, it’s all a bit self-defeating, isn’t it? Part of the pleasure and preoccupations of sexuality arise from the idea of the restricted, the forbidden, the wrongness and indecency of it all. Well there’s nothing very fun or forbidden about people displaying themselves like cattle at the farmers market. xlamma has misunderstood what sex is really all about.

Personally, I’m a slave to dominatrix in Connecticut, and have this sick compulsion towards telling men how I really feel. On xlamma, this is a problem, because escorts no longer has anything to do with the truth, and flirting has absolutely no place for real feelings, and, at the end of the day, only pathetic losers are honest or genuine or good. Certain rules play at the back of our minds: don’t text first, leave time to reply, don’t be too negative or too keen, avoid being left in the blue. Don’t make me laugh These rules shape our hearts and minds and work your conscience like a glove puppet. It’s exhausting.

Instead of flirting, I often wish people would just spare me the sales-talk and tell me what they really think. Abandon your aggressive cheeriness. Love will probably happen once we stop trying to impress each-other to death.

It’s probably shameful that I spend so much time looking at other people’s photos. Only a sick, twisted mind belonging to one pathetic lonely loser would seem so compulsively satisfied by staring into the tiny windows of other people’s equally hum-drum existences. I should get a life.

But, really, what life is there to be missing out on? 2020 is the season of suicide and depression and xlamma. It is the time where no one feels anything, the inhabitants of xlamma-land are immoral, idealistic, self-conscious, profoundly confused, have a hatred of evil and innocence, are fundamentally incapable of either love or indifference. We are a culture broken under the weight of our own cynicism, one which looks for the future in bed, and finds our feelings leaking out of us in very dark places.

Perhaps xlamma is also a place to have charity towards those truly less fortunate than ourselves, to test how far you are willing to go. If I like the photos of even the least attractive ones, then perhaps I am less superficial and then I give myself credit for. Perhaps I am actually all about who they are on the inside. In fact, I am a kind and loving girl for valiescorts this 5/10 person with the great personality. They should be grateful for my interest. It is this kind of phoney sentimentalism I have used to justify my own vapid behaviour.

Suddenly I have a perverse desire to retreat into not caring. My dream is to be hopeless. When you’re hopeless you don’t care. When you don’t care you’re indifferent. That indifference makes you attractive. So, hopelessness is the key, it’s our only hope.

xlamma hook-ups and teenage escorts in Connecticut so resemble each other that we do not need to know too much about this or that particular one. Every relationship suddenly has an expiry date, a feeling of pointlessness sets in. I was supposed to be having the time of my life.

Are we all just masturbating our youths away? I could think about this longer but then, happily, someone swipes right and slides again into my DMs. The childish euphoria erupts. Suddenly my head is engaged in a chess match with my sex drive. Another random person wants to visit massage parlors in New Haven with another random person. I am special, I am the centre of the universe, mother was right. xlamma is an empty experience, but as empty experiences go, it’s pretty good.